Michaela S. Cox

Michaela S. Cox is a multi-published, faith-based author and speaker. In this episode, we chat about her 5 skillset approach/coping mechanisms to overcome adversity in your life.  You can find all of Michaela's content on her website at myheartfeltmeditations.com.

Transcript

Michaela S. Cox Interview

Intro Song

Rob Valincius: We are live on a thirsty Thursday. This is the Drink O'Clock podcast. I'm your host, Rob Valencius, and I have the pleasure of having with me Michaela S. Cox. And now, Michaela, you are a multi published faith based author and speaker. I saw that you have 13 publications on Amazon. So welcome. Welcome to the show.

Michaela Cox: you. Thanks for having me.

Rob Valincius: Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, so, you know, um. I have to say, I, you know, I, I did my research on, yeah, I went through a lot of stuff. I was, uh, I was happy, uh, you know, you reached out to, to jump on the podcast. Um, you know, kind of how I wanted to start. And, and look, I don't know if, I don't know if you're a drinker or not.

Um, I

Michaela Cox: an occasional beverage. Yes. I don't mind. I might be pickier than some other people, but I've been told I like the girly drinks, but you know each to their own.

Rob Valincius: Hey, if it, if it accomplishes the task, that's all that matters, right?

Michaela Cox: There you go. I'm not opposed to

Rob Valincius: my, my old fashioned, so,

Michaela Cox: Oh, there you go.

Rob Valincius: it is, uh, it's delicious. It is quite delicious. Um, let's, uh, let's talk a little bit about, uh, I mean, for me, it's, it's five o'clock somewhere all the time.

Michaela Cox: exactly, right? What time zone do we want to be in?

Rob Valincius: so I know, right? Uh, so listen, so you mentioned your journey a lot. Um, so that's kinda where I wanted to, to start.

Um, can you, can you kind of, can you walk me back, talk to me about, um, you know, you, you call it the 38 triple D, the, the, uh, disability, the death and,

Michaela Cox: We'll divorce and then death. Yeah.

Rob Valincius: The divorce, divorce, death. So, you know, you could start with whichever D you like, uh, but talk to me a little bit about, you know, uh,

Michaela Cox: always a good place to start.

Rob Valincius: Start at the beginning.

Tell me and the listeners a little bit about your life and then we'll get into kind of, um, all of the other stuff that I want

Michaela Cox: Well currently right now I live in Louisiana I don't know where you're coming from, or where your listeners probably come from all over, so if you're stateside, it's Louisiana, and it's a sandwich between Texas and Mississippi. Um, not great at geography.

Rob Valincius: I'm from

Michaela Cox: Okay, hey, I like your tan. I like your tan. Um, it's been a

Rob Valincius: I've been to Shreveport. That's it. I've been and I've also been to, um, you know, New Orleans.

Michaela Cox: New Orleans is about five hours south of us, and Shreveport, I'm literally not, it's I 20 corridor, as they call it, and I'm about 90 miles east of it, so. Anyway, it's a day trip.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, those are the two places I've been. Yeah, it was a couple, couple years ago, but it was, it was

Michaela Cox: I can imagine why you'd be in New Orleans, but I can't imagine what would bring you to Shreveport.

Rob Valincius: Business, unfortunately. Heh, heh, heh. Shreveport wasn't great. Yeah,

Michaela Cox: Yeah, no,

Rob Valincius: New Orleans, different story.

Michaela Cox: Yeah, New Orleans is a fun town. That's where you want to be for pleasure, but, um, depending on what kind of pleasure you're looking for. Um, good food and drinks you can

Rob Valincius: That's true.

Michaela Cox: And good music. But, um, I like the town Philly. It's been a while since I've been there, but I like it a lot. It's got a lot of good history. And I'm a history girl. But, as far as my journey goes, um, I do live in Louisiana now. And, um, Um, But I started out in Texas where I was born, so I'm a Texas girl, and um, I keep losing my train of thought.

I'm so sorry.

Rob Valincius: It's okay.

Michaela Cox: So, I was born there, and that's where we found out after I was not very much old, because I was born totally blind, and um, I got the diagnosis when I was three months old. So there's literally not been a day or will there ever be a day where I have not taken a breath, where I haven't been visually impaired or legally blind or whatever, depending on what you're calling it at that point in time.

And so, um, I've done my whole life that way. So a lot of what I talk about now, I kind of learned at an early age. So even before there was a divorce or, you know, another has, you know, my, the love of my life has been after my divorce that I met in 2005, not long after getting divorced and our journey, I've always kind of been in the place of learning what it is to overcome and strive to thrive and advert, you know, do what I had to get around adversity.

And I was raised with the mentality of, You don't quit, you don't give up, you don't stop. And speaking of drinking, I don't know how to edit this expression, but it was basically holding my beer and sit back and watch because telling me no pretty much assures that I'm going to get it done with very few exceptions.

And if I can't do it, like, okay, for instance, legal blindness and driving do not, nor should they ever, ever. Go together. Community service, everyone. I'm stay, I've stayed off the roads. Okay, we're all good. But in that case, you find a way around the mountain that you can't move. If you can't move the mountain, then you go over it, under it, Whatever.

And so that's kind of been what's got me through the disability of what it was grow up with. You know, I had all the, it depends on what you want to talk about, how it affected me socially or economically or, you know, academically, pretty much everything you, we live in a world that you take in mostly everything by sight.

They, I think 90 percent of your, Vision. So it's one of your main sources and it's like, or senses. And it's like, well, if that's kind of jacked and you got to kind of reorient yourself to figure out how you're going to work in the world. So I had all the accommodations in the world from kindergarten through college and grad school and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or whatever.

And depending on what you were talking about, I had different accommodations. I worked, I did a lot of my academic work on audio and, um, Tapes, um, now it would be like files or CDs when I was in grad school, but, you know, because as technologies advance, they have more efficient ways of getting those files and that knowledge to technology to you.

And then in college, I worked with readers and in high school, I took the ACT, but it took me 10 to 12 hours to take the ACT, not like the typical person. So I was like, I've done it twice. I have what I need to get into college. I'm done. Peace out. I'm done with the stupid exam. But, um, so it just brings a lot of different challenges and you have to decide, do you want to just say, Oh, well, I'm, I can't do anything about this or are you going to try and find a way to define your life for yourself and not be defined by your circumstances.

So a lot of what we're going to be talking about in this episode is, um, what I've developed from a young age, but then it allowed me to kind of lay a foundation to help me apply to other adversities that would come along in my adulthood because none of us are getting out of this life without some type of adversity or some type of obstacle that we have to figure out.

I mean, if you meet a person that can do that, they have gotten the golden ticket lottery of life because good luck. I don't know anyone that manages that. I mean, it's going to be something at some point. It's just a question of when, how much, and to what degree. So you have to ask yourself, would you rather know?

How to be equipped to tackle those, or do you want to risk drowning in it? Or do you want to be like frozen, staring into the headlights of life going, uh, I'm a deer and I don't know what to do. So for me, I've always chosen to figure out how to not just survive, but thrive and be a victor, not a victim.

And, you know, figure it out. So, and that looks like various different things, depending on what you're talking about. But, um, so I learned those skills when I was young, but then, you know, It's kind of like muscle memory because the idea of overcoming is overcoming is overcoming. Now my obstacles may be different for yours and yours may be different from mine, but the skill set of overcoming, even though there's different idiosyncrasies to different obstacles, how you overcome it is the same no matter what you do, even though there may be individual twists and turns.

So then I applied it to, okay, I've had a crappy first marriage after college. Now I'm getting divorced. How do I figure out my life now? So I kind of did the same thing. And then, um, I got divorced in 05 and then luckily I met an amazing man who was the love of my life and we traveled together for 12 years dating and marriage.

And then tragically, unexpectedly, um, suddenly we lost him in 2017. And so I. Said, all right, I may not have been in this situation before, but it's still having to figure life hard circumstances out. So I just applied the things that I've used before, which we'll get to in a minute to that situation. And I'm still using it because grief never really ends.

It just, you learn to live through it.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Um, can you, can you do me a favor? Um, do you have your phone on?

Michaela Cox: I don't know what's going on because I silenced my phone and I don't know how to fix it. I was noticing that too, so I don't know what's going on because I silenced it. I have it on vibrate. I don't know what is going on and I'm not a tax savvy person. So sorry about all the things. I don't know what is going on.

Rob Valincius: It's okay, it's alright. You're a busy person. It's like, you know,

Michaela Cox: And my kids are settled, so I don't know what's going on. And now, don't know how to fix it. I was trying to look for the Do Not Disturb button, now I can't find it. Anyway, Ugh! This is irritating the crap out of me. Obviously, everyone else, I'm so sorry. But anyway, so, you might be wondering, What is she right on, or like, What is her, um, There it is.

I'm trying. Thank you. Maybe that'll stop it. Hopefully. Anyway,

Rob Valincius: It's okay, it's alright.

Michaela Cox: it. Technology, you gotta love it. And I don't know what to do to make this stop for us. Anyway, um, I have five skill sets that I've used in all four, all of these three situations. And another way of looking at it is, is what's allowed me to navigate through these knocks at my door.

And navigate this journey where I'm not just surviving or whatever. So, I don't know. As far as how you want to verbiage it. It's just depending on how you look at it. So I do have a roadmap in a life circumstances where oftentimes we wish we were given an instruction manual or a roadmap and we're not given one. So you kind of have to go like, well, okay, I guess I'm going to create my own because it's not like we're going to get one. So you kind of figure it out as you go, which for a planter girl, like me, it's just like, Hey, that doesn't work for our planter feathers. I don't like that at all. But here I am. So obviously I must be doing something right.

Although not in the technology department, LOL. But, um,

Rob Valincius: kind of phone do you have?

Michaela Cox: I don't think it's my phone because I think it's on my iPad and I don't know how to do it on an iPad. I want to yell for one of my kids to get my iPad, but I don't want to disturb. Everything that we're trying to do right now, and I

Rob Valincius: okay. I can edit any of this out.

Michaela Cox: if I could find a way to hide this and I was trying to This comical eras of life.

You just talk about pivoting and overcoming. Okay, I don't know but um I keep pushing the wrong button for one thing But the fight I mean, do you want to talk about what I write and what I? There we go. Um, maybe that'll fix one of them. Um, or the five keys that I've developed that I do talk about in my writing.

I'm willing to go whatever direction works for you, so. Or any country you

Rob Valincius: Yeah, I mean, look, so, um, I guess I wanted to, I wanted to lay the groundwork for, for that, right? Because, um, you know, the viewers, the listeners, we want to know, like, you know, what happened. And, you know, now that we have a background story, right? You, um, you were born totally blind, which is, which is wild. Um, my question to you in terms of your vision, like, what, what can you see?

Is it a lot, is,

Michaela Cox: It's complicated. It's

Rob Valincius: blurry for

Michaela Cox: No, not exactly. It's a very lovely, amazing, perfectly complicated concoction of about six things and I don't know your audience's background and I'm not a doctor but I can explain it to you the way it's always been explained to me. The root of it is the optic nerve and if you've ever been in an eye doctor's office or like an anatomy class or biology and you see the graph of like an optic nerve, the opt, meaning normal, I mean, what the heck is normal, but from an anatomical medical physiological perspective, a healthy normal optic nerve is supposed to be purple and it's supposed to be a certain shape.

I can't remember if it's round or coned or whatever it is, but whatever it is, I'm the opposite. Like mine's the wrong shape. And it's not the color it's supposed to be. It's like, I remember my mom telling me that when they took me to one of the first doctors in Houston, they were like, I hate to tell you this, but your daughter doesn't have optic nerves, meaning it was so pale, it took a specialist to detect even if I had optic nerves.

So what that basically translates to is. The bloodstream can't get through the way it's supposed to, to send the signal to the brain to tell the eye what to perceive. So it's like a constantly kind of delayed reaction. And then it takes longer to do stuff and it takes longer to focus. And then you add in astigmatism, astigmatism, crappy peripheral, crappy depth perception and nearsightedness.

So, you know, there you go. It makes it all nice and complicated for everyone. Um, so it's like, people love to ask me that and I'm not bothered by

Rob Valincius: astigmatism, so, without my contacts, I'm blind as shit.

Michaela Cox: exactly. Everyone loves to ask that question. They're like, they think it's a simple answer when it really comes down to, well, have I worked all day with my vision? And my eyes are like, woman, you lost your mind. If you expect us to do anything else at this point, how is it at night? Is it at daytime?

Is it things that blend in? Cause if it's contrast, I can find it, but if it all blends in, literally blends in and I might as well not even know it's there. Is it small? Is it far away? Is it, um, it's just, It's a lovely concoction and they could

Rob Valincius: So,

Michaela Cox: some of it, but because the optic nerve is the issue that doesn't exist in the medical field right now to truly fix all of it.

And even if they did, while I'm very comfortable with surgery, cause I've had 12, I don't know how comfortable I'll ever be with giving someone permission to go screw with my brainstem. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I'm good.

Rob Valincius: yeah, especially with the eyes too, because, you know, at least you have something, it could be way worse, I

Michaela Cox: Yeah. It could be.

Rob Valincius: technically, I mean, it could always be worse,

Michaela Cox: Yeah. Always. I manage this far and I just don't drive and it takes me longer to do stuff. So like, okay, I must've figured out something right by now if I'm functioning for 45 years and I'm like, yeah, you can leave my brainstem alone. Thanks. I'm good. I

Rob Valincius: so you being an author, I mean, what's it like to, like, for you to be able to write with, with being blind, do you do a lot of, um, like voice notes and stuff, or are you still just traditionally writing like on the laptop?

Michaela Cox: would love to do the voicing because that would be so much easier and a lot of people authors do write that way because it's just efficient and it like saves so much time but a lot of computers whether on a macbook or a pc or whatever have way of you like, Um making it accessible and enlarging So I just write in big font and then I enlarge it because I actually, um, even though I could do it through auto audio or whatever, my brain actually processes is like, helps me think through as I'm typing it out.

Like, do I really want to say that as opposed to when you're speaking it and you're not really just talking, you're not really thinking through, did I want to say it that way? Or does that sound right? So for just the way my own brain works and create in creative process, I prefer to type it out. And so I just make everything bigger. Like, whatever, man.

Rob Valincius: yeah, I'm kind of the same. I'm kind of the same way. Uh, I feel like for me, I need to, to write or to type like I need to like physically be doing it for me like from a remembering standpoint. That's how my memory works really well as being able to do that. Uh, but that, that was like for me, like, you know, obviously, um, the disability that's, uh, you know, you were born with it.

So, I mean, um. I think it's easier for someone when they're young and they go through that hardship to deal or at least be able to cope and find mechanisms. Whereas like if you were, if you were, you know, 50 and you lose your sight or your sight goes that way, it's, I feel like it's just, it's harder because you're just, you're, you're used to the way the world works.

You're, you're used to these things and then it's taken away when you're younger, I mean, obviously it sucks. It's, and I'm not,

Michaela Cox: Well, I get it. I get it. I agree.

Rob Valincius: that You know.

Michaela Cox: Plus, you didn't know any different. You know, like, I've always had screwed up vision, so what's not normal is normal to me, even though it's not normal. So, I'm like, what's the difference? I don't know the difference. So, I don't have nothing to compare it to.

Rob Valincius: Yeah.

Michaela Cox: Like, I have no clue what a Physiological, anatomically, medically correct, in the medical books, a normal person that's supposed to see that has decent vision compared to mine.

I'm not saying 20 20 vision, but just regular vision that doesn't have all the issues with it. I have no clue what y'all see all the time, any more than y'all have a clue what I would perceive or not perceive. So, it's just what you're used to.

Rob Valincius: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, and I mean, you know, it's, um, you know, I had shitty vision for a long time, and, uh, I didn't get glasses because I thought I was too cool for glasses, even though I was such a nerd in school. Uh, I went all the way through 8th grade, most, no, most of 7th grade, I believe. With squinting, and this was back when, you know, they had projectors, right?

The projectors that sat in the middle of the room that went up. And I would squint to see, and I could barely, I don't know how the fuck I saw any of that stuff. Uh, and then eventually, you know, got, uh, got glasses and it, you know, it was a game changer. And then I, I, I went to context, but I have astigmatism too.

And I tell you, man, if I don't have my shit in, I ain't seeing fucking shit. I'm, I have very good reading vision. So some things right here, I'm, I'm fucking seeing that shit better than 2020. But outside of that, I'm blind as a bat. Like I couldn't, I could definitely not drive

Michaela Cox: time, they didn't even have contacts for astigmatism. Like, I remember when that was the big rage, and they came out. Because everyone who was astigmatism was going, Hallelujah, thank you, finally. You know? Because I remember there being a time where there wasn't contacts for astigmatism.

Rob Valincius: My mom has a stigmatism and back in the day, uh, they didn't have soft contacts, soft contact lenses. You had to wear the

Michaela Cox: uh huh.

Rob Valincius: stigmatism

Michaela Cox: I remember all that.

Rob Valincius: things, they're like, they were like fucking glass. Uh, you know, in, in, You lose that shit you're screwed and and the cleaning process everything was just a lot different which is which is crazy, but Um, yeah that I was very interested in knowing like, you know with with your vision And being an author how that impacted Um the way you write because I know i've interviewed a couple authors and everyone has their

Michaela Cox: Oh yeah, definitely. It's just the way they process and the way their brain cre their creative process, the way their brain does it. And like, I'm not the greatest at grammar or spelling, so thank God for like, um, grammar type software or editors. I give that

Rob Valincius: I know

Michaela Cox: I'm like, that ain't me. I'm the creative.

I don't want to be I would much rather have fun with the creative process than being tied up and all that. Ticky, icky, yucky, technical stuff. I haven't

Rob Valincius: Well hey, with AI now too, you have programs like Grammarly, which it'll literally like correct your whole sentence for you. It's like, yeah, this doesn't sound right, you should change it to this. And it'll give you an entire, and it'll just change it for you. So like it's, you know, with artificial intelligence on top of it, I mean it's only getting, you know, better and better.

And I know,

Michaela Cox: dived into AI yet. I have some reservations about it, but anyway.

Rob Valincius: yeah, I mean look, it's still in its infancy. Um, but you know, um, I know Microsoft has rolled out co pilot and that's going to be in every Windows computer. So if you use a Windows computer, you'll be, you'll have co pilot. So, um, you'll be able to use that for any of their office applications. It'll work with word and Excel and PowerPoint.

And there's, there's some pretty cool, unique stuff. And I think, um, for me as a, as a content creator, uh, AI has, AI has helped me. Be able to take my ideas that are in my head and then give me a baseline. And then I build on that sometimes. I mean, it's not perfect. Um, but it helps me sometimes give me a direction

Michaela Cox: least get you started. Cause sometimes there's nothing worse as an author. And I've written so long that I've kind of found ways to cope with writer's block when you're staring at that blank stand going, where the hell am I going to start? Like what? Um, so, but I've been writing so long as that doesn't really bother anymore cause I know how to address it, but I know a lot of people, it's really annoying and intimidating when you're like looking at your computer or your piece of paper and you're going to, you know, the jeopardy song, like what am I going to do now?

Like, and you see that annoying person.

Rob Valincius: do do do do do

Michaela Cox: appearing like, what are you going to do with me now? Like, okay, crap. So yeah, I can see that.

Rob Valincius: Yeah. I, I, Yeah, I mean, it helps, um, sometimes it helps put your ideas in in the right direction. It's not, it's not to a point where it can really fully craft your ideas for you. Um, so let, let's talk about, uh, you know, what you were mentioning in terms of your five, I don't know if you said there were coping mechanisms or five ideals that you use to get through, um, your adversity.

Michaela Cox: It could be seen as a coping mechanism, but I think it's more of a, a roadmap, like five skill sets that you implement that. And then once you've learned the idea of the skill sets, you develop the coping mechanisms to help you accomplish that step. You know, um, it's called finding grace through grief, but it also would apply to life.

Cause like I said, it applies to any, me. Adversity or obstacle. So I think of it as kind of universal. It's just, I wrote it out of the context of grief. Cause that's what I've been dealing with for the last seven years. Um, cause it's been that long since, uh, John, my husband passed away. Um, in April it was, but, um, The G is for finding your grounding, whether that is a belief system you have, or a version of faith you have.

I personally, for me and my life come from the place of Christianity, but, um, I know for other people that may be something else. So it's, all of us have some type of belief system, whether it's in the realm of some type of religion or just the belief that we can depend on ourselves. There's some type of.

Purpose or reason or why or belief that you're holding yourself up by saying, I don't know where this is going, but I know this is going to get me through it. So you need some type of solid ground to stand on when your life is literally crashing around you to make you want to keep going. And then, um, and it may be family or it may be friends or it may be other sources of what grounds you in that hard season.

Uh, like I said, for me, it's my Christian faith and my friends and various other things, but you can make your foundation with your own. I was bricks for lack of a better term that builds that foundation that you're allowing yourself to stand on when everything's crumbling around you. Um, and then the R is daring to be able to redesign your life and like, okay, if I'm not going to in something that I want or what I had is gone away of what I wanted and I have the option now to figure out what my next course is going to be, then like I said before, daring to be.

Not defined by your circumstances, but define it for yourself and set your own course of which direction you're going to go now. And a lot of that comes down to choice. And then, and the choices that we make, because I mean, basically whether you want to or not, and even not making a choice as a choice are basically the course of our life is strung together by the group of choices we make because it laid us down one path versus how do we made another group of choices would have led us in a completely different direction.

Um, the, The A is learning to live in abundance. And yes, that can be finances, but I'm not a financial girl. I have someone that does that for me. I'm talking more about an abundant mindset. Mindset to me is the game changer and everything. There's a reason why we say in our society that. It is a game changer.

And if you put your mind to it, you can do anything. And if you don't, then you probably won't do it. Um, I feel like it's so easy for us to get pulled away from what we want in life because we get bogged down in like negative self talk or I'm not saying it's easy. I struggle with it too. That's why I do what I do to try and work on it.

But, um, Maybe toxic entanglements of thought process of what you have false beliefs about yourself or just your mental space I mean you can't control necessarily what comes into your head But you can maybe choose or work to choose of how you deal with it And what you decide to accept or reject is the truth about your life.

So I say mindset is the key It's probably actually more important than your choices because you can choose all day long. But oftentimes what we think can be destructive or constructive as to how we do it, you know, um, then this is choosing care and clarity over chaos and confusion, which for me has a lot to do with self care.

And how you take care of yourself and getting what you need, because if we don't take care of ourselves, we're not going to be able to have the mindset that we need to do what we set out to do that. We chose to do with the foundation that we're standing on to help support us to do them. And then the E is being essentially equipped because whether we like to admit it or not, no one gets through this life where we don't need something.

To help or equip this at some point in our journey in life. I mean, we send, you go on a trip and a vacation, and unless you don't want to go anywhere, you're going to need some type of transportation, you know, we don't know how to fly ourselves. So we either need a plane ticket, a bus ticket, a train ticket, a.

Car, gas, I mean, unless you want to starve, you probably want food for the trip. You know, you're going to need somewhere to sleep. So you need things. So you get equipped, you pack, you plan, you prepare, you have a this list that you need to accomplish. Like, or, you know, we send our kids to school and what do we tell them?

If you want to answers, you raise your hand and you ask for a question. Like, that's how you learn. That's how you grow. That's. Curious knowledge. And so in the hard seasons, I think for now, depending on what the hard season is, you might need different essential tools in your toolbox that equip you, but still you need something at some point and being equipped.

Allows you to get the care that you need, that helps you have the abundant mindset that you want to stay true to the choices that you're trying to choose, that you're able to do because you're standing on solid ground.

Rob Valincius: And so you've used this in all, basically all three instances in your life to a certain degree.

Michaela Cox: Absolutely.

Rob Valincius: I feel like I need to, I need to get you in touch with my father. And you know, he listens to this. Um, and I'll tell you, I'll tell you his story. So, um, you know, my dad, he's worked all his life. Um, He made some pretty shitty choices and he'll be the first person to admit that um, he's dealt with some heartache and things like that, you know, and um, he Recently he lost his his wife and they were together for 23 years

Michaela Cox: It's hard. It's not easy. I'm not here to say I know all the answers and I can't tell you how to travel that journey, but I can show you how to travel it.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, I mean, she, she, it was, it was sudden. So she was fine and then all of a sudden got diagnosed with brain cancer.

Michaela Cox: wow. That's a rough journey.

Rob Valincius: he basic, yeah, he basically watched her die. Um, it was like a, a 10 month thing. You know, she got, she had surgery. It, you know, she was able to be normal for, you know, six, seven, eight months, and then she had to have a second surgery.

And after the second surgery, she was never the same. And then eventually, she had to be put on hospice, and, you know, my dad basically watched her die. And, uh, he's at, I think, the five month mark of her passing away. And he is, he's still, he's still a wreck.

Michaela Cox: You will be for a while,

Rob Valincius: was also, yeah, and he was just diagnosed.

He's got, um, Really bad arthritis in his, in his hip. Like it's like bone on bone and then he's got bad arthritis in, in his lower back. So he's in a lot of pain on top of it. So he's just, he's basically living in this small room with no lights. He doesn't turn the lights on and he doesn't eat. He's like, you know, basically a hermit.

And, uh, it's, I just, when I talk to him, it's more of a listening session. I just let him, you know, kind of, I let him talk

Michaela Cox: That's probably one of the best things you can do, actually.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, I, I, I try to give him, um, you know, real, cause I, I wanted to be a psychologist. That's what I want it to be. I, I love it. If, if, if, uh, if I could go back, I probably would.

Cause that's just something I enjoy. But, um, he, I think he just needs to kind of get him. I, I, I constantly tell him, you just got to get yourself together, right? You got to fix yourself first.

Michaela Cox: Yep.

Rob Valincius: Then worry about because he's, you know, he's on, he was her caretaker as she was dying. And, uh, so he, he was getting, you know, paid by the state to take care of her.

And now he's on unemployment cause it doesn't, he's not making any money. Um, you know, so now he's, he's on, he's going to run out of unemployment. He's, you know, he's, he's got a lot on his mind. So it's like on top of dealing with the grief, he's got all the financial issues too. So it's like, um, I've never been in that position.

So for me, it's just listening and kind of trying to guide them like, Hey, live every day, day by day,

Michaela Cox: hmm.

Rob Valincius: waking up, listen to the doctors, you know, do what they tell you to do. And you know, you'll, you'll fucking figure it out. Um, and, and, um, I, I've said this a million times and it's kind of my mantra as a human, um, we are who we are based on how we handle situations and come out of them on the other side.

And, uh, you know, I tell everybody that, um, and it's, it's something, you know, I've never gone through the stuff he's gone through. You know, I've had, I've had trials and tribulations, but you know, we all have. Um, but for me, it's, you know, what makes us who we are is how we come out on the other side of, um, a downturn, right.

Or, you know, I mean, I tell him and he'll admit that he's at rock bottom, you know, and it's like, look, there's not much more lower you can go. Right. Um, so how you come out from that bottom curve, right. That that's who, that's who you are as a human, you know, are you just going to lay down and die? Are you just going to give up?

Because that's stupid. You shouldn't do that. You know, you, you should, you should try. to do what you can for yourself. And yeah, it's going to be hard and no one ever said it's going to be easy. And no one understands, you know, I mean, people understand what you're going through, you understand what he's going through because you lost someone that you love, right?

So I've never felt that. So a lot of times I'm just kind of, um, I'm listening and I'm, I'm not giving advice. Cause how do you give advice if you've never. If you've never dealt with that situation, you know,

Michaela Cox: Yeah, I get it. It's not easy. That's for sure.

Rob Valincius: um, so let's talk, uh, you know, two things I tend to not talk about on this show are, uh, politics and

Michaela Cox: Mm hmm. Right.

Rob Valincius: um, because you tend to never have a winner, but a lot of what you, what you dealt with, um, you know, you talk a lot about your faith, right? So, uh, it would behoove me to not be able to, to talk about that a little bit.

So one of the questions I had for you with all your adversity. And I'll be honest with you. So I'm, I'm, um, you know, I was baptized Catholic, you know, so I'm a Christian. Um, But here's where I stand. I don't know if I, if I believe in, in the Catholic, you know, uh, what they say, what the Bible says. I do believe that there's a higher power.

I believe there's a God. I believe in spirituality.

Michaela Cox: Mm hmm. Um,

Rob Valincius: but that's, that's where I am as human. I, I can't, I, you know, I, I don't, I don't know if I Believe in, in all the Jesus stuff and the God stuff that's in the Bible and all that. I don't know. Uh, I think I'm still, I work in Medicare, so I deal with death all the time.

So for me, I, I deal with a lot of that stuff. And, um, I'm, I think I'm in a discovery phase of my life when it comes to my spirituality, my religion and, and what I believe. Um, but for me, my question to you is how do you find the strength? And, and honestly, dad, I hope you're listening. How do you find the strength to have faith with all of the adversity you faced?

Um, because I know that that's always like one of the number one things people question is why me God, right? You know, are you listening? So talk a little bit about that if you can.

Michaela Cox: Well, we could get into the whole theology of it, but I don't think we want to go there, although I could talk about that. But for me personally, and I respect that people have, like I said, Mm hmm.

Rob Valincius: you want,

Michaela Cox: Well,

Rob Valincius: want. This is your podcast. I'm here for you. So you, you tell me whatever you want.

Michaela Cox: why I respect that people may choose differently for me, and that's their choice, it's a personal choice, but that's why I said it when I brought it up is that in my life, for me, I've always chosen the path of, since I was five, when I made my profession of faith in Christ, um, to be a believer, that's always been the path for me.

I was raised in a Christian home. And I mean, the whole thing behind my vision is I was actually born completely blind. And the story goes that when my parents found out that I was totally blind, they had, um, prayed for my healing and, um, had several people praying for my healing. And at seven months old, And my mom, I guess, came into the nursery or whatever, and she saw me look at her for the first time.

When medically, there's no evidence for them to, well, actually, I was considered a fluke for a long time because there's no genetics in my family. Like, my kids, thank God, don't have it. No one in my, I mean, my parents, they're 70, okay? So they wear glasses like most people do after a certain age when you're, you know, you get older and your eyes need things.

But no one has the complex vision problem that I have. So there's no genetics to it. There's no family history. There's medical history. So it was considered a mystery or a fluke for a long time. And there's some theories as technology and medicine, uh, medical advancements have happened in my lifetime, but you're never going to know one way or the other.

So. We knew from our perspective of Christian faith that God decided to give me my sight and heal me, although it is still impaired, but it is still in fact a healing because you go from one minute of not seeing anything to seeing all of a sudden. And the medical field, keep in mind, I was born in 78. So what we know now, we didn't know then, and so they couldn't explain it back then.

They probably still couldn't explain it today, but you know, they definitely couldn't explain it in 78 or 79. Cause I was diagnosed at three months old, which was February of 79. So that's why I say literally my whole life. But, um, and you should see my medical documentation file. It is huge, but like in a three year, it's reminder.

So the significance of my faith, even before I knew it was going to be, my faith has played a powerful part of my journey in, in, in my life. And. I know that I wouldn't be able to do what I do or still be here with all the tribulation and the suffering and the adversity. If there wasn't something such as like faith and believing in for me, what I know Jesus Christ can do for people who believe in what I believe, um, Seen me through all of it.

And I wouldn't be able to talk about overcoming and having strengths and courage. Cause I don't do it on my own. People have asked me, where'd you get it from? Well, I get it from my relationship in Christ and hard work and faith and, you know, things like that. Like I said, I know it's not for everyone and that's to each their own, but for me, that's where it comes from.

And I, it's through choices and knowing that I don't do any of this on my own have a purpose that I'm supposed to be doing. I mean, at the time in two, I have two kids. Um, my daughter's going to be 14 and my son's going to be 11 in August. So seven years ago, they were six and three. So it's, I'm not knocking anyone's grief journey, such as your father or anyone else, but it, it doesn't make it better or worse.

It just makes it different than when you're older and your kids are grown. And should you need to lay in bed all week? You can't, but when you have a three year old and a six year old and your daughter has to get off to school the next morning, you can't. Not so much. So it just, it takes you a different, it doesn't minimize or negate anyone.

It's just, you have to travel it differently. You don't have a lot of time to do it in a way where you may prefer to have done it. You have to do it and make sure that you're still there for the kids. So in the moment that I found out that John was gone, I knew, I may not have known a lot else in that moment, but I did know that I had to do whatever it takes to make it okay for my kids.

And that's what I've predominantly put a lot of energy into over the last seven years.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, and that's incredible. I mean and look at you know, I have people, you know, listen I'm sure I have people that are very religious, you know, I have people that listen from you know, Australia, Japan To the US, you know, they're all over the place I'm sure people have their things and I think Everyone everyone comes into their spiritual awareness.

I think at a certain time Um, I grew up in a, in a very like, Hey, you know, uh, before I ate, like I went to Sunday school and you know, I did all of those things and I think my journey is just for me is different because I've always been, um, I've always been like a scientific person, uh, and, uh, I'll believe it when I see it type of person.

Um, so for me, it's. As I've aged, I've grown more into my spirituality. So, you know, I've thought more about death and afterlife and, you know, what exists in, and for me, it's a disco. I'm in a discovery phase and I'll tell that to everybody. And, um, you know, my family, so my mom, everyone, very Catholic, very Christian, believe in God, believe in Jesus.

My dad, you know, his, some of his, his friends, he's, he's going to church on Sunday, you know, that type of thing. So, uh, I guess I'm different. And I'll be the first person, or you know, I'll always say that to people. But I don't knock people for believing in something. And everyone's gonna have a different belief, and I mean, we're not gonna know that we're right until we're dead, right?

So, I mean, uh,

Michaela Cox: to take the eternal gamble here, you know, we're, you're gonna roll the dice. But, and I think that's one of the things that even in the Christian community in America we take for granted so easily, and as much as this may lean towards politics, most people, Christian Americans, unless they travel overseas and in foreign countries, don't realize how good and how amazing we can live in a country to have the freedom to To choose or not choose religion.

And if we choose religion, we have the freedom to do it without worrying about persecution or costing our lives compared to other places in the world where Christians and other forms of religion probably are going up against a much more difficult journey to be able to practice their religion. If they so choose where in America, you can choose to be religious or you don't.

And if you do choose it, it's not going to cost you your physical life at this point.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, and, and, um, you know, I will say that, um, it is nice to know that, um, you know, you have, you have a voice, right? And you can, um, voice your opinions. And that's honestly, from my podcast and the whole reason why I started it is I wanted it to be a safe space for people, including myself, Talk about things without like today, everyone's so quick to tell you you're wrong and they're so quick to argue, you know, and, uh, I think for you, at least, you know, you're, you're, you're born in 78.

I was born 86. Um, so I'm a little, a little bit younger than you, but. I remember a time where I could have a healthy debate with

Michaela Cox: Yes. Yes.

Rob Valincius: and, and you're just, you're friends with them, right? And, and you can talk about things and, and if you have a different point of view, and I'll tell you this, this is, this is the funny thing.

So I had a friend in high school, uh, this is probably 10th grade. Um, me and him, we made it our goal. Uh, in social studies, anytime we'd have a debate class, there was always a class randomly. It would be a couple of year, uh, where you would debate a topic, we would always pick the side that was, no one else was on me and just me and him one time.

I forget what it was. We were talking about World War Two and, uh, we went on the side that was obviously wrong. It was, it was, you know, something about Hitler and all this other stuff, but we wanted to be able to uh, argue against the The the populace argue against the the class and like people got mad, but we made very good educated points But no one was like well, fuck you guys.

You suck. You should you should be prisoned.

Michaela Cox: I think it's interesting You brought that up on the 80th anniversary of d day, by the way

Rob Valincius: Yeah, I I say I forgot about

Michaela Cox: Well, I remember i'm not so I knew it was coming up, but I saw the I saw the news alert There was the 80th anniversary of d day today. Oh, yeah And I agree because the other thing, two things about America, regardless what side you're on, regardless what you believe, don't believe, it's not about that. It's the purpose of America was to have a place of freedom that we could have conversations, that we could agree to disagree and not lately seem to want to kill each other over it.

And there was a very good word in our country for a very long time. It was supposed to be about compromise. America would not be America if they had not made compromises. And regardless of my own personal opinion in that subject, which I do have my own, am first and foremost want people to understand what we're supposed to do about, which is to have a solid, civil, informed, educated place of conversation and debate.

Because the other thing I was working with for a long time with another group of ladies is, it's called ECHO. Empowering, Conversations of hope or opportunity and having conversations. You empower people to create new ideas, create new solutions through the dialogue and the discussion. That's how we brainstorm and create that will give hope to present new opportunities.

If we can't have a conversation with people, you're not going to create anything.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, I mean, look, I'm going to be honest. I think we're in a, we're in a dire situation with, uh, with how things are now. And I, I've said this a long time. Um, I think that the populace and the, the, um, What people actually think is not what's actually brought out. It's like the 5 percent of people that are very num loud, loud, loud, or the people that are getting the opinion out to the other 95%. Yeah. And that, and that's really not the majority. And, um, you know, I've always said to people, uh, one, you have to voice your opinion. I'm not afraid to voice mine. Um, but I'm also, you know, But on the other side, I'm also respectful to other people's opinions, and I think that's where we need to be as a country, as people, because look, you shouldn't always agree with everybody.

And look, I'm not saying I, if I said to you, yeah, oh, you're racist, I agree with you. I'm not saying that's okay. Like, there's certain things you shouldn't, you know, agree with, right?

Michaela Cox: be able to

Rob Valincius: like, at the end of the day,

Michaela Cox: Of any cultural and social and political and economic, any other adjectives you want to throw there of areas of life that has weight and matter and be able to discuss it like normal, respectful, civil human beings and not want to like, okay, well, I'm mad at you. I can't be your friend anymore and take my toys and go home.

It's stupid. What are we, five year olds? I mean, this is the stuff we teach five year olds. I

Rob Valincius: Well, it's like, Hey,

Michaela Cox: that we had in college in my time period camp. I don't know, but y'all was like everything I need to know about life I learned in kindergarten. Like if we would do what we taught our kids to do, our world would work so much better.

Rob Valincius: yeah. Well, it's like, Hey, look, if I'm a Muslim and you're a Christian, we can at least, we should be able to at least have a conversation, right. And not want to kill each

Michaela Cox: Right. I

Rob Valincius: And, or, you know, if I'm a drinker and you're not a drinker, we should be able to have a conversation that's not like, oh, well you suck or, you know, like, I don't know.

I guess we come from a different

Michaela Cox: Yeah, we do.

Rob Valincius: I it's just. And, and I'm a millennial, but I don't consider myself that because, you know, I still remember when there wasn't cell phones

Michaela Cox: too! My kids, it blows their mind because I didn't, even though there were cell phones as I was coming up, It wasn't until after I got divorced that I had my own personal cell phone. Like in my first marriage, I shared with my husband or whoever we had a plan with at the time, but it wasn't until Oh four Oh five that I had my own personal cell phone and they're looking at me like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, whatever. Different times. Look at the iPad, Macbooks, or any of that, or Apple watches, or any other Newfangled devices that we all have at our Fitbit, or you know, not that there's nothing wrong with it, It's just that didn't exist. You know, we did other things.

Rob Valincius: Nah, I mean, your parents had to hope that you were alive if it was six o'clock and you didn't get home yet, you know, like, It's, I think we're kind of the dying breed

Michaela Cox: Yeah, probably. And it's kind of a

Rob Valincius: of, of a lot of that stuff, but I hope

Michaela Cox: bottle. It's been out so as much as we may want to put it, There's no putting it back. So it's up to the parents to hopefully teach their kids some Learn Reasonable ways of interacting and being social beings and hopefully they'll figure it out. But anyway,

Rob Valincius: I tell people like, I hope, um, you know, as a society we, and I do think we're making strides, you know, the cancel culture was alive for a long time. Um, there's a lot of other stuff that was like just crazy. And I think. I think we are making a little bit of a change, a little bit of an about face about certain things.

And hopefully, um, you know, the, uh, stronger minds, uh, that think alike will prevail in certain degrees. I mean, some of this stuff is getting a little ridiculous, but, um, you know, I guess at this point it kind of is what it is and social media created a lot

Michaela Cox: Yeah, I did

Rob Valincius: Um, It gave it gave a voice to some people that shouldn't have voices.

Um, but that's kind of the world we live in.

Michaela Cox: I mean what other parents do but like my daughter and I just had a conversation today Like, uh, she like I said, she's gonna be 14 in august and like she has a cell phone But my kids aren't on social media. I haven't allowed them to jump into that world yet And she's wanting me to and i'm like, yeah, we'll talk about that later so, you know,

Rob Valincius: Um, so, you know, you, you know, you've been through a lot. What are some life lessons outside of kind of the, some of the stuff you outlined that you can give to some of my listeners? that may help them when they're struggling through a hard time. So, um, you know, I have people that are super young that listen and I've, I've, uh, people that are older that listen and sometimes a lot of guys, right, that are, um, we're stubborn, we're, we're stubborn.

So, um, do you have any life lessons outside

Michaela Cox: know what your audience can see but i'm a I already said I was a Texan, so that means I'm a Southern, and I'm a, I'm a Redhead, so, you know, and I'm a Scorpio, so I kind of live up to the quadruple effect of the reputation here, okay? Just saying, so I understand Southernness. My dad told me, growing

Rob Valincius: I'm a cancer, so I'm a hermit. I'm

Michaela Cox: So, um, I, I hold my own, but, um, I do believe very strongly. It's about choices. And I'm not saying the choices are always easy, but at the end of the day, no matter how hard it is, it's up to you to choose it. Because, um, there's another reason in this life why we say, if you want it done, right, you better do it your damn self.

Cause the world sure as heck ain't going to give it to you. They don't owe you a dang thing. So it's on you to figure it out. Now you may need help figuring it out and it may take a minute and it may take lots of minutes depending on what the struggle is. Like I said, I have my own days where I'm still trying to figure it out in certain aspects.

I've figured out more than now, seven years into grief than I did at the beginning, but there's still other aspects that I'm still working on. It's a process, it's a journey, but I do believe it's um, choices. It's mindset when we're doing it and it may be that you need to talk to people to help you with your mindset or maybe you need, I'm a huge proponent of counseling.

Okay. I don't, I'm not ashamed. I like counseling. Okay. I'm counseling. Like I don't, I told my therapist a long time ago that I don't live paycheck to paycheck. I live counseling session to counseling session. Okay. I got no shame. So whatever you wanted to have

Rob Valincius: what? Do me a favor. Can you please talk, so my dad's name is Robert. Can you please look into the camera and tell my dad to fucking go talk to a professional. I've been telling him for months. It's okay to talk to a professional, dad. It's okay, dad, to talk to someone. He's like, you're my, you're my counseling.

I'm like, I am not a professional. I'm just letting you talk, bro. You need to go talk. He's like, they're kooky.

Michaela Cox: Not saying you want that

Rob Valincius: Probably, probably, probably, but look, here's the thing. So his, his, his wife that died was bipolar. I bipolar married into our family. Um, and bipolar is difficult. And he said that everyone, he went to a lot of counseling sessions.

Um, everyone he went to, they were kooky. And they were super just, and I tried to tell them, you can't see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists, a lot of times, are trying to just give you meds.

Michaela Cox: Yeah,

Rob Valincius: psychologist

Michaela Cox: not always, and there's some that have to be on medication their whole lives and some don't, and some of it's just to get you back stabilized so you can address the actual issues. It just depends on the, I'm not one of them, but I just know enough about it to know that there's various arrangements that can be done, but counseling and a therapist and a psychologist are very different from a, um, psych, um, psychotherapist that does the medication aspect.

So.

Rob Valincius: Yeah.

Michaela Cox: But yes, everyone, it keeps you sane and makes your life work. If you go talk to someone, whether for whatever type of therapy you need. And so there's no shame in it. Um, I think us, I think I saw a funny thing one time about guys like, well, don't date the crazy one. No, it's the crazy ones that are in counseling and medication you want to date.

Cause we're all count. We're all crazy in some shape or form, but at least they're fixing it.

Rob Valincius: Look, look, we're all crazy. To a certain degree, right? I mean, everybody, everybody's a little weird, everybody's a little crazy, and you know what, and to a certain degree, it's how much, how much weird and crazy can you take? Um, and I, I, I think my dad's issue, and this is me saying this as a non psychologist, is that he still hasn't removed or, or started to remove any items out of the house, or, or put it into a box that was hers, so he's, he's basically living in his own hell.

Michaela Cox: Well,

Rob Valincius: He's living in, in, in a house

Michaela Cox: widower has to come to that in their own time. They have to do it when they're

Rob Valincius: agreed.

Michaela Cox: And no one can make that call for

Rob Valincius: he's not

Michaela Cox: Cause they, unless you've lived it, you don't know what that's like. So there, you don't get it till you get it and you don't want to get it, but it's a club you don't want to be a member of, but when you're in it, then you get it.

And then you can figure out, Oh, Yeah, okay, all the stuff I used to say. Yeah, never mind.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, and, and look, I don't think he's ready. I still think he's not ready, but I do think

Michaela Cox: There are some alternatives that like there's a fine balance between holding on and letting go because you really don't need the stuff and it's not helping you. Like I can give you an example. A lot of people will make, um, get Pieces of clothing and have them made into memory quilts. So like I had a lot of my husband's t shirts made into memory quilts that I gave one to my kids, my two kids, and I have one on my bed.

So I'm not keeping their stuff. That's just sitting around. It was useful. And then like, I do shutterfly a lot. And so, like I said, the kids were younger when their dad died and my husband died. I had pillows and blankets made for them so they could feel like their dad was still around him, but it wasn't just like stuff sitting around.

You know what I mean? I made it useful or. Someone at the time they were really into Build A Bear. And so I each had them a type of a Build A Bear and we had a recording of their dad's voice saying, I love you. And so every night for a long time, they would push that button and they could still hear his voice. So like there's creative, useful solutions that you can use to still have what you need without having, if you're ready to let go, I don't want to say clutter, cause I'm not mitigating what that means to you, but like stuff that doesn't need to be in your house anymore. If you're ready for that. So it doesn't have to be just all thrown out or some people find it purposeful and say they, this person would love it if I let someone else use it.

It's like you recycle it. So you're not just like, feel like you're throwing it out and like throwing part of them out. You know what I mean? So there's other creative ways that you can make it turn into something else that can make that person feel better, too easy to let go of if they so choose. And if they're so ready, it doesn't have to be, well, I'm just.

Throwing it out and selling it or whatever.

Rob Valincius: Yeah. No, no, I like that. I like, I think that's a good idea. Um, and, We're, we're getting to that point. Let's, let's talk a little bit about mindset. Um, and that's how I wanted to end this conversation. Um, you know, for you, what, what is, what is a mindset? What is a strong mindset and how is you personally, your mindset evolved over the years?

Because I'd imagine your mindset now is much different than it was. Um, you know, when you were. A kid or even before your first divorce or whatever that case is.

Michaela Cox: Oh, dear God. I hope so. That's gonna be scary if I'm still thinking like a 13 year old. You know, I don't mean it like that, but I mean now that I'm 45, 45 year old don't need to think like 13 year olds. Just like 13 year olds don't need to like think like 45 year old. They're not there yet. You can't know what you don't know.

But um, I think it's our experience has shaped that and I think we can take in things and we can choose not to take in things to form that. So that's why we have to be discerning about if whatever thought comes in your head, does this thought serve me? If it does, then accept it and let it inform the other aspects of your life.

But if it doesn't serve you, and sometimes that's hard because I think sometimes people hold on to limiting beliefs and like, negative self fulfilling prophecies or false self beliefs and it stops them from realizing things. You know what I mean? And I'm not saying it's easy. To me, the mindset is probably the hardest because we're always battling it.

Um, and that's why I think counseling is so important because a good therapist can help you work through some of that through various different therapies like EMDR and other and talk therapy. Just, you know, just saying. Therefore, that can be part of your toolbox that equips you to handle and manage your mindset better.

But, um, and a lot of times mindset can be adjusted through either talking to friends, or a therapist, or maybe a song that lifts your spirits, or reading a book that gives you a shift of mindset to think about something differently, or a lot of people meditate, or they journal. keeping a gratitude journal, because if you, even though in the hard seasons, if you can find something to be grateful for, cause there's always something to be grateful for or find joy in no matter how hard it is.

And no matter how small of a seed of gratitude or small sliver of joy, there's still something. And that goes back to your philosophy. Are you a half empty or half full type of person? Are you wanting to be a victor or a victim? Do you want to look for the sunny side of the street or whatever verbiage you want to put in it?

Do you look for the rainbows or do you focus on the clouds and the rain in the sky? Even though rain's good and we need rain. I'm not saying that it all serves a purpose, but what is your focus and what are you used to kind of like when you feel like you're being more negative to kind of snap yourself back out of it.

So like I said, it's not perfect. It's just different ways you can do it. And like, um, for people that are more spiritual, maybe it's prayer. Maybe it's going to a, yeah. a group at whatever religious institute you go to. Maybe it's a community of support, you know, that can relate to what you're going through, because like I said, with grief, until you've been in it, you don't get it till you get it.

And there's other types of life situations until you've been in it, you don't get it either. So, you know, you, we can try and be there for you as a sympathetic or empathetic friend, but you don't really know what you're talking about. You think you do, but you don't. things like that, you know,

Rob Valincius: Yeah.

Michaela Cox: And exercise is really good

Rob Valincius: I, I'm one of those people.

Michaela Cox: because Ed, there's this book out by Michelle.

I forget what's her name. I would send it to you about healing through moment that when you're physical and active, I'm not the best at that, but it changes your, gives you like a good shot, like whatever the neurotransmitters, like dopamine and serotonin, it like spikes that so that it can help affect your mood and make you feel Happier, so you can process better, I guess is what her theory is, or I'm, I'm explaining in a very poor manner, and not technically at all, but you know, we know that, we, certain things in the body help create more hormones or neurotransmitters that make things feel differently than other ones, you know what I mean?

Rob Valincius: Yeah. And, and, um, I feel for myself that, uh, well, one, I would agree with you there. Um, I think the people that are, you know, actively doing something, whether it's running Fast, whatever, lifting. Um, it does help you. Uh, for me, I think when I hit a certain point, it was like a certain age. Uh, I feel like it was like when I hit like 34, 35, I started to say to myself, okay, stop focusing on any negative because that's what this would use a harp on.

Focus on the

Michaela Cox: Goes to choices, and

Rob Valincius: And ever

Michaela Cox: positives can come from gratitude and joy and things like that.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, and I think ever since I made that decision, yeah, look, we all have bad days and I, you know, I'll be miserable some days, but there, you know, I'm happier more when I just think of all the positives in my life. You know, I have, I have. Two awesome dogs. I have my fiancee that I love that I've been with forever and I love her very much and like there's certain things and like in the past, I'd be like, well, I wouldn't think about those things.

I would think about any negative that happened. Some guy cut me off or work is annoying or whatever. And like, look, we can all focus on that. But I think if you just focus more on the positive things that happen in your life, you are happier. I'm way more happier now than I was three or four years ago.

Michaela Cox: Life's too short, y'all.

Rob Valincius: Um, and I'm not saying that I don't have my bad days. Ha ha, like, uh, where I'm like, Ah, fuck you, you know? Um, but I, I do, I do feel like I am,

Michaela Cox: And sometimes, I think,

Rob Valincius: happier in my

Michaela Cox: People need solitude and some people take, um, sanctuary and being in nature and rejuvenating themselves that way and being reflective and having that quiet time. So I think sometimes you need to figure out, is it time for you to pull back a little bit and just kind of be in your own space to give yourself that time to reflect and be quiet and be still to kind of readjust your mindset.

Or whatever you need or whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it is meditating, maybe it is journaling, but you can't meditate and journal in all the hub and the bub, the chaos, you know, and then sometimes you do want to be around people. So there's a fine balancing act there too.

Rob Valincius: Yeah, for me, sometimes I think being alone and in my thoughts helps me figure things out. I, I like to, to kind of like be in my own head. Think about what's going on and, and, you know, uh, scenarios and the, sometimes it can be bad. Sometimes my thoughts go, you know, to shit, but, uh, well, look, we're, we're at the hour mark.

Um, and it was, it was a pleasure having you

Michaela Cox: for having me.

Rob Valincius: and, um, I do think I enjoy the value you bring to people and the things that you talk about. Can, can you tell everybody where they can find your content, where they can find you, um, you know, and, uh, you know, hopefully we, we get some people to check out your, your

Michaela Cox: All of my books are on Amazon too, including, uh, the newest one, uh, finding grace through grief. Although I'll have other ones coming out cause I'm building out my five or six series throughout the year. I'm always doing something. And then my website is my heartfelt meditations. com and my TEDx talk is on YouTube.

It's, um, thriving, open the door and leave survival behind.

Rob Valincius: Awesome. Awesome. Well, look, uh, my podcast is drink o'clock pod on socials, drink o'clock podcast everywhere. You can listen to podcasts. It's literally everywhere. And, um, you know, uh, this will be up in a little bit. And, uh, hopefully anyone listening, if you're going through some struggles, you know, uh, listen to this podcast, pick up some of, uh, Michaela's work and, uh, hopefully we can help you. You have a awesome night, Michaela. Thank you so much for hopping on the podcast. I

Michaela Cox: Thanks for having me. Hope it was good content for your audience.

Rob Valincius: Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much.

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